Achilles heel
Caution: Content below is not graphic but however may cause you discomfort. Exit now if you do not wish to alter your perspective of author.
How does one keep level-headed and release emotions healthily at the same time? I know it takes a great deal of maturity and wisdom, but it's pretty hard to balance it all, doesn't it?
I struggle to keep up. I think I'm a control freak. I keep stuff to myself, talk to myself, cry to myself... and still try to control even when I'm feeling down. Schizo. I guess it just means I have to learn to let go... Quite an extreme character you're reading about here. Mel-San, yes, but plus a few odd traits.
We need people; family and friends to be specific. To be there, to hug you, to be a listening ear, to lend you a shoulder to cry on... I have been so to many but I've not let many do the same for me since young. Naturally, I tell myself I shouldn't try to unload my own thoughts and feelings unto someone else 'cos he or she has enough problems of his or her own. So I'm quite spongy I guess. I keep taking in and taking in. Unhealthy too, I know. Surely if you offer me a bone-crunching or three-minute long hug, I'm quite sure I'll cry buckets. But then again, don't try.
Josh calls me insecure. I guess that's true. 'Cos I have difficulty trusting. But then how do you tell people that this friend of yours has a very bruised body that is in need of a miracle healing? It's painful. And so I find it needless. Same reasons why I decided I'm happier being single and unavailable. Same reasons why I resist to be stretched further 'cos I can barely take it. I already think I have big capacity spinning plates in the air instead of just focusing on "taking care of myself". Do I comfort myself with my to-do list and accomplishments? I guess I prefer maximising my time. Yea, and sometimes I think sleeping is a waste of time. Having panda eyes is besides the point.
I know it's not about me. Yet I struggle to forgive. I seem to have a need to put the blame on someone. The blame went all directions and ended up with myself. It's easier that way. But yet I'd be calling myself greater than God if I say I forgive everyone else except myself. Jesus wants us to forgive 70 times 7, which means forgive perfectly. It reminds me once again what Pst John Bevere's account of his direct revelation from God - So what if you can heal the sick, cast out demons, win nations for Christ and yet go to hell?
I gotta let go, I gotta let go, I gotta let go...
End of mental retch. Stinko, eh.
5 Comments:
Yeah Jan you need to share with someone. For me it's a catharsis whenever I share with people. =)Also they will offer you opinions that you might not see yourself.
Jan dear.. *hugs*
I think this is a common problem between us - because I find it hard to share my burdens with others too. Having broken down before, though, I realise that it's necessary to, else I will go kee siao. From another viewpoint, keeping things to yourself all the time isn't a characteristic of e best possible follower and armorbearer, because we all do need to be accountable to those above us, not only for our actions but also for our own well-being. That's also something I bear in mind when I realise I have to open my mouth and talk, however distastteful it may be and however hard it is for me to voice out my thoughts. Jiayou.. I'm also trying to jiayou in this area too! =)
Ps. Can I try to hug you and then whip out a bucket?? Please please pretty please? *winks*
Hi, I guess I have the same problem, I like to keep things to myself too, especially before I came to chc last year. Now I am in learning process to be more open and accountable. I'm grateful to have a cellgroup. Our cellgroup is full of nice and caring people. Even though you just join the cg, I assure you, they care for you and dont take your feelings lightly. Cheer up! :)
the beginning of change is when we admit that we need it.
we were not made to carry our own burdens, we were made to SHARE them, even carrying God's burden is TOGETHER with Him right? Give those around you a chance to reach your heart just like u've touched many!!! JIA YOU! ni ke yi de!
Awareness is the beginning of change.
Thank you for unloading and giving me an opportunity to share what is going on in your life. I consider it a privilege to be considered a friend of yours and to be able to share your burdens, as you have done for me. The world is a very lonely place if not for family, friends and fellow brothers and sisters.
I pray you will have always have a safe place to unmask and unload, for your sake and the sake of those who care for you.
Virtual *HUGS* (bone crushing;D) for you, my dear friend and precious sister in the Lord!
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